Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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