It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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