And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
