just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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