the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
