So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
