Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
