Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
