I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
