Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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