Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
