Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
