she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
