you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
