I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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