My liver just broke up with me...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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