apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just forgot I was standing up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
