Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
