his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
