I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
