is your mom at the bar?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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