Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
