it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
