babies were throwing up all over the place
this beer tastes like vomit already
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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