sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
