Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
