were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
