but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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