I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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