Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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