She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
