if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
