I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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