It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
