I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
