Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
