she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
