Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
