i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
