I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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