I just saw a hot homeless man
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
