I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
True strength comes from lack of pants
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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