so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
