I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
