i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
