Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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