We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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