how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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