I like my sex mixed with concussions.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
