I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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