why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
