I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
