Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
