I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
