i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
smell my finger.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
