What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
50% drunk capacity currently
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
