I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
