so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
