Just fell off a train. Bad.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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