I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
