There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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