im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
