hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
