I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
