did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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